“Suicide is Painless” may not ring a bell with you initially, yet if you were alive and kicking during the heyday of the television show M*A*S*H, the instrumental version of this song is probably quite familiar to you. I fact, many viewers never realized the distinctly melancholy song even had lyrics, The song served as the introduction to the familiar television series which ran from September of 1972 to February of 1983. The CBS series AND musical introduction were inspired by the 1970 movie of the same name. It was in fact the third highest grossing movie of the year 1970 (right behind Love Story and Airport and just ahead of Patton) and has gone on to be regarded as one of the most influential films of that decade.

The Vietnam war was in full swing at the time, so it is noteworthy that a comedy / drama about The Korean War (1950-1953) gained such notoriety. Attitudes toward war were clearly changing and these artistic interpretations (movie and television series) reflect that change. The television show went on to become a cultural icon which survived various iterations and the creation of 256 episodes. In fact, its last episode garnered just under 106 million viewers! No other television finale has even come close to matching that number. * And it remains the most watched non-Superbowl broadcast of all-time to this day.

  • “Cheers”: 80.4 million on NBC in 1993.
  • “Seinfeld”: 76.3 million on NBC in 1998.
  • “Friends”: 52.5 million on NBC in 2004.

Clearly M*A*S*H struck a chord with viewers. It was a simpler time with less entertainment choice, the internet and social media were still several years away. There was a zeitgeist of anti-authority and this show questioned authority with plenty of humor and the backdrop of war. It was a masterful combination of the two unlikely bedfellows, and it worked in a way that could NEVER be duplicated today. This is a loss which is sorely missed as we were able to laugh and cry together at the foibles of life under the harshest of conditions, war. Compare and contrast that with today and the polarization that exists. M*A*S*H was something that most people truly liked, and it was a bonding experience to discuss the latest episode with family and friends, hard to imagine from the lens of 2022.   

For those too young to remember any of this, it is important to establish a few facts. The movie M*A*S*H was inspired by a book of the same name written in 1968 by Richard Hooker. Ring Lardner Jr. then created a script based on the book. The book tells the story of a group of irreverent, non-military, free spirited doctors serving in a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital unit (4077) on the front lines of the Korean War. The script was turned down by many other directors before 45-year-old Robert Altman agreed to take on the project. The movie went on to great success as mentioned. Interestingly, Altman was a WWII veteran who was a co-pilot on a B-24 bomber; he knew war firsthand, and this added to the realism. In addition to M*A*S*H (1970), Altman also directed several other critically acclaimed films including The Long Goodbye (1973), Nashville (1975), Short Cuts (1993), and Gosford Park (2001). He died in 2006 in Los Angeles, CA at the age of 81.

Perhaps you are curious as to why I mentioned the M*A*S*H theme song leading up to this short history. It turns out, the theme song is one of the more interesting footnotes to the whole story. For somewhat cryptic reasons, Altman wanted the theme song (for the movie) to be a nonsensical song entitled “Suicide is Painless.” In the movie, the camp’s dentist declares his wish to commit suicide, though his tentmates don’t believe him and even parody the thought with song. Perhaps it also had something to do with the pandemonium of war and the unlikely characters who serve as the focal point of the story which manage to conflate comedy with drama. There is no heavier drama than war and yet both seem to work together in the telling of the story. Altman’s only stipulation at the time was that it had to be the “stupidest song ever written.” All very curious and in large part speculation on my part…

Altman hired Johnny Mandel to write the music and then took a crack a the lyrics himself. Failing to come up with anything “stupid enough” for his liking, he turned to his 14-year-old son, who managed to pen the lyrics in five minutes. Years later Altman said that he made $70,000 for directing the film while his son Michael made over $1 million in royalties for his role in the creation of “Suicide is Painless.”

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize, and I can see

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

The game of life is hard to play
I’m gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I’ll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless (suicide)
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn’t hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows stronger, watch it grin

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
“Is it to be or not to be?”
And I replied, “Oh, why ask me?”

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it
If I please

And you can do the same thing
If you please

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: J. Mandel / M. Altman

Suicide Is Painless (Main Title) lyrics © Wb Music Corp.

Tough to read those words without humming the tune???

TMC 4/20/22